Most of us learn self-regulation as a process of growing up, or simply growing in our adult journey. We may learn this from the adults we observe and admire, or after many reactive mistakes that may have cost us friendships or opportunities.
I have been finding it difficult to emotionally regulate this past little while. The emotional reactions kept showing up in my personal and professional life. I am usually quite adept at emotional regulation and in staying calm to respond with peace when triggered. So, as I lay awake at 4am (I blame daylight savings haha), in this lucid state I found myself asking myself what the heck is going on.
It was easy to recognize that I was feeling triggered and to come up with the many external reasons of why this might be so. But as I dug deeper, I realized fear was underneath all of the reactions and inability to regulate.
I sat with this fear and realized I was afraid to lose what I already had. This was gold. So if I already had it, was I grateful for it? was I truly experiencing it, was I clutching so hard that I was suffocating it?
I am so excited at this discovery(while it feels new I am sure I have been here before), I will be examining all that I have that I cherish, and all the ways in which I can truly enjoy these and feel grateful they exist here, now. And, yes, I am still sitting with fear, keeping her by my side like a favourite child, rather than allowing her to become buried, or ignored.